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A tale of the man known as Koyie Hill: backup catcher for the Chicago Cubs. Basically he is the toughest man ever. I say this because of what happened to his hand last year. If you hadn't heard, Koyie severed four of his fingers in a freak table saw accident. He managed to have them reattached, and then had a great year at AAA and warranted a September callup. After doing a little research though, this is merely one example of Koyie Hill: Freak of Nature. Koyie's journey began 30 years ago when he punched his way out of his mother's womb. Doctors said it was the most beautiful thing they had ever seen and they gave him a standing ovation. Infant Koyie responded by knocking the doctors out for not first fetching him some clothes. Koyie walked out of the hospital that day to begin an incredible life. Koyie journeyed on foot throughout the country rescuing grown men from bears, saving women from raging rivers and stopping bank robberies using only his left arm. He was using his right arm to eat a sandwich. Koyie would find himself to be a key figure in the end of the Cold War. He travelled to the Soviet and wrestled Mikhail Gorbachev to the ground and said the famous phrase (which is oddly attributed to Ronald Reagan): "Mr. Gorbachev, tear down that wall." Koyie didn't care so much about the division in Germany. He just hated ugly looking walls. Asthetics have always been important to Koyie. After Koyie changed the face of world politics, he decied to take an interest in baseball. Being a humble man, Koyie decided to disguise himself as various major leaguers. In disguise, Koyie gave us these great moments: Nolan Ryan's last 3 no-hitters, Joe Carter's walk-off home run in the 1993 World Series, all games past 2,000 during Cal Ripken's iron man streak, and Mark McGwire's 70 home run season. The interesting part of the last item is that people think McGwire has gone underground due to past use of performance enhancing drugs. The real reason McGwire doesn't want to talk about the past is that Koyie Hill has warned him not to reveal who really hit those 70 home runs. That's just how humble Koyie is. Finally, Koyie was tired of dressing up. As humble as he is, he still wanted to be honest to who he was. So in 2003, Koyie Hill debuted under his own monicker. He still disguised himself from time to time: he stole a base in the 2004 NLCS under the guise of Dave Roberts and he threw Don Zimmer to the ground, just cause he felt like it. Eventually, Koyie's journey led him to the Chicago Cubs. There he made fast friends with a young buck by the name of Geovanny Soto. Not wanting to get in Geo's way, Koyie stepped aside and allowed Soto to make it to the Show. Koyie constantly advised Geo on the ways of being a man and a big league catcher, all while holding back on his own monsterous skills (so as not to overtake Geo). Then, the saw accident happened. Now Koyie realizes that he cannot squander his unique toughness and ability. As his hand recovers and gets stronger, so does Koyie. Early projections say that by 2015, Koyie will have become not only a starting catcher, but the best catcher ever. He will hold records in home runs, stolen bases, ERA, strikeouts, no-hitters, slugging %, VORP, WARP, ERA+, OPS and souls influenced. I guess what I am trying to say is watch out for Koyie Hill. Posted in: Koyie Hill, Man Crush, Cold War, Legendary | ||